It’s that time of the year…, when  the cone of time tilts suddenly from super busy to relatively free, when  I sit and tilt back on the same chair from my student life to reflect upon the calendar year that just flew in front of my eyes. What purpose these posts serve is a long blogpost in itself. For the sake of brevity, lets call it out of scope.

Like the one’s preceding it, this year; too has been interesting, albeit a lot more and amazingly more eventful. Some events were positive and some negative but that is life! the ever increasing entropy process. Some of the good things include me getting promoted to a Manager and that too a role that I always yearned for (will talk about that later).

One one hand I learnt immensely at work. Work and work converged finally after long and the convergence degenerated to coincidence.  Honestly there was more on the platter than I could have chewed but then this time I was not alone. Thankfully,  I had company. In addition to great increase in quality and quantity of work it was great enhancement of role, I lead(and not manage) many highly capable people. All this brings me back to square one where “I face myself again” and start from grassroots again. I no longer do what I wanted to do CRU ratings, but  today I don’t miss that. The best thing about all this that it is just the beginning of another phase, it’s not over yet. The journey is long and i have just started. “You have no idea what I am talking about, but don’t worry someday you will”. The convergence is so big that I have neither the time, nor the energy to pursue anything such as an year end project. A project that I used to undertake on my own, simply because everything that I do is my own. As I often talk to myself quite often while returning late “I MARRIED THE OTHER WOMAN IN MY LIFE AND HERE  I AM “.

The new role allowed me to meet and know so many new people. Smart people, nice people.  Many of them had names beginning with alphabets W,X, Y, Z. Interestingly, I  interact with four people with their names starting with W, 1 with X. Chinese, Armenian, Russian, Italian and Pakistani in addition to American are the people  I work with. With some I made good friends with and in the race to catch up with new people, lost touch with some good and …people. That’s way of life, old leaves make way for new in a spring and this cycle is not over yet. New people are there in pipeline too, just like prized trophies in the shelf of at least my life they will rightfully adorn their well deserved places. People like Rose, Cynthia, Misha and Amber have definitely led me to think differently and importantly better. Special thanks to Cyndee and Rose for celebrating my bday(not sure which one was that, the one that passed or the one that is yet to come but doesnt matter)

Talking of places, this year I had to visit NYC twice after long. The visits had been refreshing breaks but the jet lag afterward was certainly painful. I need to get over that pretty quickly. This time there were long trips, going forward, I will try to keep short trips. Needless to mention I have started developing a liking for the city. NYC is a great city where you get bored only if you are bore. Over there too, I meet many people. In fact over there I become more social than I am back here in India. Whatever the reasons may be it’s a fact. On a different note these visits coupled with different nationality team mates have made me more open to other cuisines. I visited Bathinda(Punjab), many times to maharaj’s wedding. It was a very pleasant experience, especially to travel by train and that too so frequently.

Consolidation and retreat phase: The realizaiton dawned upon me that more is not always more. Sometimes you have to step back and consolidate. It might be a temporary blip, but given many other things will assume increasing importance in life, but this year I will maintain current levels and try not to eat take more than i can assimilate. Afterall there are other things in life too.

Year of Indian cricket: Yes that is important. It was my dream to see India win ODI WC and voila we did. Wish you were here never sounded so better esp when India won the world cup match. We won at many other places too and against many good teams. Virender Sehwag and Virat Kohli made the few matches I watched memorable. I will always remember the six that Dhoni hit to make India the ODI champs. Yes they are aided by declining Australian side too, but yes seeing your team winning is always good. Ain’t it so??The only thing left for the year is super century. Yes this is the last or may be second last year that we see of Sachin.

Look beyond: One interesting thing was that I ventured out from my already fixed set of financial and technical readings. The most important was the book on China which seems like to be going on and on …forever. Hopefully it will get along with the year. Few other books that I read were, Mahabharata, Surely You are Joking Mr Feynmann and partially read Andy Carnegie’s history. Yes the books I read are becoming fewer and thicker in general and more diverse. Another thing that is catching up fast is the reading I make on millitary and geopolitical matters. “You’ve come a long way baby” seems right phrase to describe the feelings I have for history. Reading foreign affairs and buying that on kindle is another thing that caught up. May be after a few years I would have caught up with the Middle east problem. A strong sense of discipline and focus is required. Another interesting thought was to set a target of 10/100. Next ten years and 100 books seems a bit challenging but lets see how much I can. The key is to go on and keep working towards it.

What could have been and what had been:  हुई मुद्दत के ‘ग़ालिब’ मर गया, पर याद आता है, वो हर इक बात पर कहना, कि यूं होता तो क्या होता?(It has been long since Ghalib passed away, but it still echoes, when he used to say on everything what if that would have happened(I know I have killed it badly)) This is a very apt line for this year. Not to say this year was not a great one, in fact it was fabulous. It had all the flavors of life that I wanted and a lot more, but yes there could have ended completely differently. Many things could have happened but then मैं फिक्र को धुऐं मैं उड़ाता चला गया. This ad is very interesting and repeatedly strikes me. Most of the things are not happy feelings but that’s fine.

Fitness! It might not look so but I am fitter than what I was last year but there are miles to go

Marriages: Many of my very good friends got married. In fact the only holidays I took are for marriages. Really enjoyed in Sumeet’s and Vandana’s wedding.
Movies:Although not on theaters, but watched many movies this year. It was a good and much needed break that came at no better time. Watched movies like Die Hard (1-4), Transporter(1-3), Godfather1, Bourne Trilogy, Never Back Down 2, Fire in Babylon, Wall Street( 1,2). Will complete Godfather trilogy pretty soon. Harry Potter and Order of Pheonix. New York trips were great helper in this too.

So that’s what the year was full of work, actions, concussions and emotions what’s the plan ahead??? Well this year I don’t have a plan. No point in making resolutions that I can’t keep. This year just like Joker of The Dark Knight, I will play without a plan.  Nothing specific, but focus is something that I have to work on try to reduce the time I waste on social networking sites. Lastly I wish everyone around me a happy and peaceful life. I will end this post by saying “Let there be knowledge, Let there be peace and Let there be light”. Amen

Well if you haven’t heard Kolavari Di yet, either you are living in stone age, or are lucky like Casanova, or amazingly both. Unfortunately,  I am not both and have to endure it on a daily basis.

Well as it is abundantly clear that I don’t like this this song but then why a post for this? After all it is not as terrible as RGV’s AAG which  I endured twice or Ajay Jadeja starrer Khel which I came alive out of. Mark my words, don’t like and not dislike.

There are three reasons why  don’t like it.

1. Tollywood, Kollywood has a lot more melody to offer than this. Trust me listen to songs of Mungare male or any other movie the love songs are truly sweet. I may not understand them but then I like them.

2. The thing I don’t like is propagation of collective stupidity. After it started with large number of views on youtube and who knows it could be few engineers sitting in college making fun of whatever meaning they could make out of it. Cyber systems were built to promote collective intelligence and consciousness. Of late they showed glimpses of this potential in the Arab Spring in middle east, and Anti Corruption movement in India. But then this video accentuates that things now can become rage very quickly and implicitly fade very fast.

3. There were other songs too that saw a very large number of hits over a sustained period like yaar anmulle, but then they didn’t became a rage or “flash hit”

All said and done I have gotten used to kolaveri di and not to mention can watch the video forever, just for Shruti Hasan. She’s the most charming !!

Walking across the streets of New York(read jay walking). All alone,  in the sea of people, singing my favourite songs like a mad cap maniac, I just started reflecting upon the week that passed by. From one meeting to another(almost unscheduled),  one call to another, it passed on as if it was just last Friday only.  A week when I pushed my team and myself to the brink.

And suddenly a story from my eight class hindi book came to revisit my mind, a poor man walking across the road gets beaten by rich people(circa 18th century, India) he decides not to be poor. He uses all the tricks he can maneover and becomes rich. The story ends with the now rich guy ends up in same situation and behaves in the same manner.

It reminds of my transformation over last 3 years when I set myself to be a good leader(NOT A MANAGER), but then  in being a good manager I pushed myself so much that I started expecting the same from others. But then am I not becoming the same expoloiting leader that I never wanted to be. Caring, development is fine but then what is the point of being good if you are not good mostly!

The positive thing I know is that I am not on right track and some course correction is necessary. I and as a matter of fact all aspiring good leaders(and not managers) need to be patient with their people/assets, realize that it’s easier to get things done with people when they themselves feel like doing.

But then why did I do it the way I did it? well the answer was there in Enemy of state “I loved the agency. I loved the work. I loved the people. It was my whole life”. In one sentence I was and am in love with my job and nothing comes before that.Reward, money, family, nothing. All I realized was people whom I liked working  made me fall in love either with my job or with themselves(read it strong liking). And the funny thing is what works with one doesnt work with other. Even more importantly, what works with you may not with the rest. These are the conundrums I avoided for long in life and trying to solve, by myself ; for now. I have no doubt about myself that in time I will solve this conundrum.

The conclusion that precipitated from this friday night somber reflection is that I will have to kill the part of mine that that lead me over here. May be change the skin like a snake or change colors like chameleon(Oh my my what great examples) or better, sparkle with different colors like a diamond at different angle of light. Afterall,  “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” 

Right or wrong will be decided by the referree called time, but yes I have to enjoy while playing the game and like WWE give the audience what they want. Burying these thoughts on a saturday deep inside the ground of my mind to germinate and become a tree or fountain of goodness,  I should get back to work on a Saturday.

Well it requires no introduction that the occidental economies are on the phase of cycle which is referred as downfall. And I am not talking about recesessionary cycles that manifest themselves every three to four years. These cycles are centuries long and have a technological, demographic and geopolitical component, at least historically.

Think of it 5 centuries ago, only India and China had lion’s share of world’s GDP, remember the situation one century back?? When we would have just ahead of Africa. Today as they seem to reclaim the old glory, how will the orient remember the successful if not glorious past of occident. I seek to raise more questions than answer! Will we remember them as the technological steroid of human civilization giving us from steam engine to free us from the shackles of earth or with making us slaves of technology with giving us frankesteins of hiroshima, global warming and shallow happiness.

Will we remember the occident as the promoters of peace in Africa/asia as charitable nations or as the destroyers of meosopatamia/hiroshima. As promoters of democracy and the concept of a tangible nation state or as  social engineers planting regimes in nations at their whims and fancies. Will their hands be able to wash away the blood stains of world wars with the spate of peace that has followed afterwards.

The questions are hard to answer and probably we wont live long enough to have their final answers as we are alive today to say about when the occident took over the orient.

Sitting in midtown New York as I think of these questions I fear that will the change of order be peaceful unlike before? New powers have to prove themselves before they are new powers. UK, Germany, US all did the same. Will Asian powers spar among themselves..these are questions that are scary enough to make heckles rise in a nuclear tipped MIRV/cruise missile world. Lets hope I dont live long enough to see the negative answers to these questions!

But yes the questions are interesting by themselves!!!

Nearly 75% of year has passed by many interesting things happened..will go through them in sometime in detai..but i guess gotta increase the frequency of bloggin as a memory of the year. Will try to release  short posts with the ideas that never fully crystalized…. lets see..

in all life is going along..and i guess this is not the worst! and good in fact!!!

American Beauty!!!

Dear Ranjan,

Here comes another annual post to you.

In managerial terms these annual blogposts are more of executive summary of the year. To me what it means is what I wanted to achieve in this year and what I did and I didn’t  or rather what is left to achieve and what is not worth chasing. On a sad note that makes it looks like that this blog is the epitaph of unfilled promises to myself, and celebration of imaginary pains in my life.

As I write this post I am reminded by some of my friend’s facebook status messages that a decade is about to get over. May be be looking at a longer horizon may make my feel better.

Without further ado for my own course tracking I am gonna structure this post in three distinct phases:

1. What I achieved this year

2. What could have been better(read What I didn’t)

3. Most importantly,  what needs to be done….what lies ahead

1. What did I achieve this year: So what did I achieve this year. NOTHING.. nothing that I wanted,nothing that I could be proud of …may be experience, but thats by default. Well that’s ultra-pessimistic view of looking life, materialistically I made some progresses. You can imagine how bad it must be that I have to tell things like these

(i) First thing was the killing that I made on my equity portfolio, stocks that were multi bagger. Numerically, it was 65% returns on my equity             investments over a 18 month year horizon. Things could have been better had reliance performed better but anyways.

(ii) I finally booked in a flat in GGN. Loan and all other things are yet to be worked out. Its a stretch on my current financials but I just liked the              features and in a spur of moment I had decided this is what I want. Rest all I will see.

(iii) After long I honed back my driving skills. Leave aside parking and back I can drive back again. OK there is a lot yet to be achieved yet I am               not hopelessly dependent upon the system.

(iv) Did a bit of reading this year, few books that I read this year

Fully: House of cards, On the Brink, Liar’s Poker, The Big Short, A brief   History of time, A Tiger for Malgudi, The Inheritance of Loss

Partially: The Black Swan, Security Analysis, Credit Risk Models and Basel Accords

These were coupled with many articles on this and that (oh my my  ….times are really bad that I have to put this for my reading, what’s next putting up the pdfs themselves?).Although I did n’t clear it but I studied for L2  too and man it was huge, more than1  sem syllabus. I feel slightly enriched but not accomplished because of these. Feels like it will take some more time to grasp things to be at the tip of my tongue. But anyways …”there is always a first time and there’s always a next time”.

 

2. What could have been better: Everything!!

1. 1. Academics: L2, sometimes I just wonder, what I could have done more humanly. A lot of times it’s not just u got hurt but how you got hurt matters  too, “but such is life”. The good thing is I dont have any other option to clear it. I will not give up and keep fighting, “no matter what, no    matter what”.
2. 2. Personal side, well many things could have been better, won”t tell anything, but yeah when I feel the promises I could not keep up with  myself  and my beloved ones then it really aches. Not sure if it’s medical heart ache or something else but yeah it does in real. When I look at what I have lost this year and come to grasp the full impact of that, I realize its too late..and the only  thing that i recall is the Iron Maiden song “You never miss till its gone away, and the heart is lying there” and all these things have taken away the feeling of narcissm.

1. 3. Work: The less said the better.

1. 4. What needs to be done: A LOT
   1. a. L2
   2. b. Need to finish the incomplete books mentioned above
   3. c. And a lot more

i. Hitchhiker’s guide to galaxy:July

ii. Alan Agresti:Aug, Sept

iii. Tuckmann:June, July

iv. GEM2:Cab Zindabad

1. d. On the personal side: I will try my best to be happy come what may. Things may not be the way we wanted them to be but I will use my illusion

No further sentiyaap and bs just work hard and have faith in God. There might be times when you dont get what you want, what you desperately want. The world might think you to be something someone else, but what matters is whether you did what you felt what was right or wrong, and if the answer is yes or I tried my best, then nothing else matters. One can stand against everyone else other than himself.

Rest all will keep you posted man.

Yours forever

Ranjan(WS)

यह दीवारें अगर बोल पाती तो

मुझे मेरे घर की याद ना आती

 

सब कुछ तो है माँ बाप भाई बहन

फिर किसी और की याद न आती

भरे पूरे परिवार मॆं अकेलेपन का एहसास न लाती

याद आती भी तो उन पुरानी यादो की यादो मॆं खो जाती

यह दीवारें अगर बोल पाती …

 

 

बचपन का वोह लड़ना झगड़ना

और छोटे का बिफर कर अकड़ना

रूठना, रूठकर  मनाना

फिर आज बड़े छोटे की बात न आती

यह दीवारें अगर बोल पाती …

 

अदृश अश्रुधार से वोह तस्वीर

जो मेज़ पे कभी रखी नहीं

वोह धुल न पाती

यह दीवारें अगर बोल पाती …

 

 

गली वही है, कूचा भी वही है

फिर भी घर के सामने पता पूछने की नौबत न आती

फिर अपने घर आके भी मुझे अपने घर की ही याद ना आती

दिन रात चलते म्यूजिक के इस शोर से सन्नाटे की आवाज़ न आती

यह दीवारें अगर बोल पाती …

 

 

मुझसे तो यह दीवारें फिर भी बोल लेती हैं

कहती हैं सब ठीक हो जायेगा

पर काश कभी सच भी बोल पाती

अगर यह दीवारें सच बोल पाती …..

 

 

अगर मेरी आवाज़ सीधे ही पंहुंच जाती

तो बीच मॆं यह दीवारों कि दीवार ना आती

रिश्ते नाते रूपया पैसा, वीर कायर

अपने पराये की कभी बात न आती

आती भी तो पक्का कोई खिड़की ही खुल जाती

यह दीवारें अगर कुछ बोल पाती …

The color of world we see is no different from our glasses.

So while the Indian cricketers were putting up yet another dismal show, I just surfed idiot box and ended up watching a serial Emotional Atyachar(Atrocities), again. Trust me, I could find nothing better.

For the uninitiated ones,  it’s a serial on UTV Bindass, in which couples do a loyalty test on their partners without telling them. Obviously, this is gonna be spicy with smart models.  I know its not a term one associates models with, but I have different models in my life too or rather I make a living making them.

The latest rendezvous evoked the some old questions which are fundamental to world of finance

1. Valuation: The decision to check the loyalty of your partner is akin to deciding valuing an asset, is its value within the band of expectations? Is he loyal, is he not sounds like profitable or not.

2. Re-balancing: Well, in re-balancing you have to decide the weights of existing or potential assets that can be introduced in portfolio. If you stoop to consider a relation as an asset then when is the right time to get out. When’s the right moment to enter new one.

3. Abnormal Returns: If it’s too good to be true, then it isn’t. Haven’t you heard of it? Ask Ralph Cioffi. Barring Bill Gross and Nicholas Nasseem Taleb everyone in money management(Bonds, Hedge Funds, Fixed Income, Equity) was reminded of  it well in last 3 years, sadly the wrong way.  Well living your life normally and suddenly a comet kinda ultra smart girl gives guest appearance, doesn’t that sound abnormal. Don’t fall in for such traps. It again brings us to the fundamental questions of valuation and re-balancing.

4.  Mark to Market or not?Another aspect of getting loyalty test is if you have doubt, then set it straight and test it in real world(market). The check for value and base our decisions upon that or let the asset value remain the value that we think right. A lot of marriages I know will be on the rocks if they were “marked-to market”. At times M2M resembles Mutually Assured Description. Will cover the cold war philosophies some other day.

5. Trust or No Trust: I remember my mentor telling me, the only way of getting others trust in your results is not trusting yourself in the first place and then looking at them. Be it any result, any model just don’t trust it and convince yourself first. However, I guess relationships would be different, you have to trust others. The stakes are too high to treat them as a mere model or some data.

6. Behavioural Finance: Looking at the various episodes of serials it looked to me if men and women respond differently to stimulus. I din’t hear of any reckless fund manager. As a matter of fact I am yet to hear any terribly successful woman in finance. No offence mere facts.  Women trust blindly, and men ..well the little said the better. But again the never say die cynic and skeptic in me thinks the data is probably biased/skewed. Not that I am defending my fellow brethren nor do I approve of moving from one partner to another like heated butter, but thats what the audience wants to see. Viewers like me are infrequent. I wonder if they include me in the TRP lists apart from cricket & WWE, in the first place. It is the women devouring serials like these. They might be discussing this over phone and what not.

Enough of BS time to doze off

Before you think anything else, I am merely shifting from Gurgaon to delhi, period.

Statisitically speaking, this is a mere change of ~25 miles in my global co-ordinates, but this is gonna be a sea change in my life(work/personal) in any way I can think of. Staying away from parental home has its own advantages and so has staying close to office. No discipline in life. Fairly flexible timings of going and no time of coming back, just spend as much time as you feel like and as much you can work. And that’s what bachelor life is supposed to be. This phase should have an ending too, like all previous phases.

However, this post is not for what is bitter and what could have been better. It’s just about that I am leaving. I had really good time; mostly and owe many good days in my life to this place. It’s a place that I never liked but it always calls me back. I will have definitely have some brief stays here in future but lets hope Delhi remains my base.

As I mentally prepare to shift back to my home, I realize that it’s been almost a decade since I stayed there with for some meaningful stretch. College hostel (albeit it was in delhi only, but I chose to stay there more), then Gurgaon, Singapore, Bangalore and then back to Gurgaon. Those 10 years have been the golden years. I had some ideas about about the future.

Now when I will be driving back to delhi, I will be as clueless about my future as I am about the success of commonwealth games in delhi this year.

I again forgot the bday of my immediate family member. This is real disgusting of me.

As if this has really stirred me from inside. Living a hectic life, or at least thinking that I am busy is taking toll…I hardly attend any of my friends’ marriages, forget about thinking of mine. Dont have time for my parents, my family, or rather most of people. Let me tell you upfront that this is by my own choice. I am doing it simply because I enjoy doing what I am doing, but then I dislike what I am not doing too, like ..playing cricket, watching movies regularly, and most importantly taking care of my parents.

Occasional commotions like these remind me of days when Punjab( A state in Northern West India, bordering Pakistan)  was burning due to Pakistan’s Export of IT(International Terrorism) and homegrown unrest. In those times there came a serial on Doordarshan (India’s national TV channel) named “Goongi Tareekh” (Dumb Date). It was about few misguided youth who left their home to become terrorists or freedom fighters as they thought. They realized that the meaning of date has ceased to exist for them its just life and death, civilians and police. I distinctly remember the conversation where one asks “What’s the date today?” and the other one responds. “Our life is just a गूंगी तारीख, to which we cann’t talk, we can see it, it can hear us but we cannt talk..we cannt talk “

The concept of time has already ceased to exist for me. No this has nothing to do with the relativity. It just doesn’t feel important at all. I just feel like lost in a infinite grid of space time, whose origin is unknown to me. Hence,  the frame of reference is focussed at me and since I am the origin it is always the starting.  Sadly I cann’t find a wormhole, or some tunneling mechanism, or Hermoine’s watch.   The discomfort of wearing a watch doesn’t make matters easy for me. Date has reduced to a mere identifier/descriptor for quantifying time domain events.

The futility of today’s utility function is best known by this time or this गूंगी तारीख only, only to be revealed by future. Till that time the best I can do is to be happy with the way I can be and I am doing that.